An R-Rated Coffee Milkshake

The Espresso Martini also known as, perfection.  Imagine, if you will, a drink created only from alcohol (no mixer needed) that tastes like the best cup of iced coffee you've ever had.  Is it possible, you ask?  Oh it's possible.

I got this idea from my coworker two years ago.  My last day of work was New Years Eve day and as a going away gift, she gave me the ingredients for perfection: Bailey's, Kahlua, and Vanilla Vodka.  Two years later the love affair has still not faded.  If you like coffee, coffee ice cream and coffee milkshakes, this drink is going to make your belly very happy.  However, I must warn you-- this drink is very creamy so two more than two of these bad boys might be quite a struggle and things might real weird real fast.


what you need...
1 part Kahlua (or other coffee liquor)
1 part Bailey's (or other Irish Cream)
1 part Absolute Vanilla (or other Vanilla Vodka)
Ice

what you need to do...

My dog wanted at this real bad

1  Combine all ingredients and shake (with crushed ice might be good).  Serve very cold in a martini glass, over crushed or cubed ice.  For a more desserty option, if you will, blend with ice to make a shake.  That was easy.

One Ridiculously Absurd Post-Thanksgiving Feast

Oh did I say I was fasting?  Well, starting Monday, give me a break.  First, I needed to get my chance to create an excessive and delicious "Thanksgiving" meal.  We spent Thanksgiving at my uncle's and so, I wasn't able to celebrate with one of the people whom I am most thankful for in my life... that handsome looking Dan fellow I'm dating.

On black friday (and for some... are we going with grey thursday?) millions of dedicated [psychotic] shoppers waited in the cold for hours, trampled over other dedicated [psychotic] shoppers, and bought hundreds of gifts.  On black friday, the owners of the NBA bought back their players.  And what did I buy?  Steak.  Delicious, juicy, meaty steak.  And beer.  Delicious, juicy, wheaty beer.  Oh and vegetables.  I dreamed up a fantastic meal and invited Dan over for a post-Thanksgiving, re-comma inducing feast.

There were garlic coconut milk mashed sweet potatoes (compliments of Marci), steak tips, brussel sprouts and of course, Pillsbury crescent rolls.  And in keeping with the excessive style of Thanksgiving, there of course were crackers, cheese, dip and stuffed mushrooms to fill you up before you even made it to the dinner table.  As well as coffee and tiramisu for when you no longer wanted to consider, look at, or think about food.  Perfect.  That's one way to stay healthy...

The steak tips were from Mr. Steer meats (a specialty meat shop) and were cooked on the grill by my dad.  I prepared the mashed sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts.  And the Pillsbury dough boy made the crescent rolls-- thanks for your help you chubby little bundle of joy.  The recipe for the sweet potatoes was passed along by my nutritionist and as for the brussel sprouts, well I've never made those but decided to wing it since it can't really be that hard.

Before we start preparing these delicious things, I of course need to get in a short rant.  What grocery store on earth doesn't carry brussel sprouts?  Apparently market basket.  Fail.  So I will put my shame aside and announce to you:  I used frozen brussel sprouts.  But don't fear, I didn't throw these in some water and blandly boil them down.  No, I marinated them and roasted them.  I guess that cancels out somewhere around half of the shame using frozen brussel sprouts has brought me.  That and the fact that they came out delicious.  I rest only half ashamed, and mostcertainly ready to use frozen ones again [gasp].

what we need...
for the garlic and coconut milk mashed potatoes
3 medium to medium large sweet potatoes, skinned, quartered, and chopped into three 1/2 inch slices per each quarter 
3/4 cup of coconut milk plus 1/2 cup more
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tsp salt
1 tbs sugar
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp - 1 tbs crushed red pepper (to taste)

what we need to do...
1  In a medium sauce pan, combine all ingredients except the additional 1/2 cup of milk.  The 3/4 cup of coconut milk will not cover all of the slices of sweet potato, don't panic.  Cook over medium high heat covered, for about thirty minutes, or until the potatoes have become very tender.  
2  Once the potatoes are tender, remove from heat and mash using a masher.  Add additional coconut milk as desired.  I added the entire additional 1/2 cup for creamier sweet potatoes.


what we need...
for [previously frozen, currently delicious] brussel sprouts
1 package of [frozen] brussel sprouts
3 tbs olive oil
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper (optional)
1/4 cup onion, chopped
Salt and Pepper

what we need to do...
1  Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  In a large gallon ziplock bag, combine the brussel sprouts, oil, salt, pepper, garlic and crushed red pepper.  Close and shake to disperse among all of the brussel sprouts.  Allow to marinate for at least 30 minutes.  
2  Displace the brussel sprouts into an 8 x 8 glass baking pan, and combine with chopped onion in pan.  Cook in the oven for 35 - 45 minutes, stirring two or three times during the cooking process to brown evenly.  Yup, that's all!

Yay for more delicious, gluttonous meals.  Because that's what Thanksgiving is truly all about...

One Ridiculously Absurd Thanksgiving Feast

This thanksgiving, we switched things up a bit and went to my uncle's house, thus totally erratically my opportunity to do any sort of cooking.  But it just so turns out that my lust for cooking might actually come from my uncle, who completely out did himself.  He prepared an absolutely delicious, and not to mention excessively large, Thanksgiving feast that for the first time in my life actually put me into a food comma. For appetizers alone we ate an entire meal.  Raw salmon with an amazing dill sauce, blue cheese tart, spinach and cream cheese rolls, and crackers and cheese.

Before we hear about and look at delicious pictures of all amazing sounding things, let's have a quick discussion about my dad and the turkey.  My dad's a fairly seasoned turkey carver, and was called in as back up when the rest of us didn't want to bother.  His technique is fantastic and he always displays the turkey in a picture perfect presentation.  This time however, he decided that throwing some of the turkey on the floor enhanced our thanksgiving, and thank goodness that he did as we had an outrageous amount of food.  But just to hassle him a bit.. let's check out my dad's floor turkey...

Oh and I guess we can look at his non-floor turkey  

Now back to the rest of the food-- if we weren't bursting at the seems after all those appetizers, we had to suck it up and move on to a deliciously seasoned turkey, a pork roast, mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, homemade stuffing, green bean casserole, roasted carrots, roasted acorn squash, roasted cauliflower, and roasted brussel sprouts.

Oh and that's not where it ends... no there was dessert.  You see, this Thanksgiving meal was indeed not for the faint of heart.  No, this was for the glutton.  So of course there was coffee and dessert.  Homemade pear and cranberry torte, apple crisp with ice cream, and pumpkin pie.

And now I'm fasting... for the next week.

Happy Thanksgiving From One Fruity Turkey!

Yikes!  So I totally meant to post this yesterday/ last night so it would be up here in time for Thanksgiving.  Technically speaking, you hopefully don't have your family over yet or aren't yet at the in-laws-- if so, I'm so sorry, it's going to be a looooong day.   And thus, if you're truly interested this awesome idea (of course you are why wouldn't you be), then you could take that Thanksgiving Morning walk-of-shame to your local grocery store and pick up some produce.   If not, there's always next year if you have the best memory in the entire world.

I turned this into an activity to do with my kids at work.  We practiced our fine motor skills while handling sharp dangerous objects and contaminating fruit for our parents... what could be a better activity?  Mind you, only one child, one honeydew melon, and absolutely no turkeys were hurt in making of this delightful bringer of thanksgiving cheer  (is that a thing).  And no, I'm not joking, one child was hurt.  Apparently she thought her eyeball was a superb addition to her grape skewer.  She survived and has both eyes-- no worries.  We made this for our Thanksgiving parent breakfast and it was a hit.  This is an awesome idea for breakfast, dessert, or if you're just trying to overly impress someone(s) with your creativity.

what do we need...

1 honey dew melon

1 cantaloupe (cubed)

1 bag of red grapes

2 containers of strawberries (with tops chopped off)

1 container of blueberries

1 pear

Toothpicks

Bamboo skewers

what you need to do...

1  Chop and wash all of the fruit.  In decorative patters or completely randomly, skewer (or have your kids help after clearly disclosing the dangers of bamboo skewers) the grapes, cantaloupe, strawberries and blueberries.  These fruits are the easiest but you can sub in other fruits of choice.  These can be made ahead of time and assembled later as long as they are wrapped and kept in the refrigerator.  You can make as many or as few as desired.  Filling the entire melon will require more fruit than suggested above.  Be sure to leave about an inch and a half of room from the sharp end of the skewer so that they can be secured into the melon.

2  Carefully slice the rounded bottom off the honeydew, making a flat edge so that the melon can rest without rolling.  Secure the pear on the front of the honeydew using two toothpicks and the eyes onto the pear using two blueberries and two additional toothpicks.   Stick to skewers at random into the back of the melon using the sharp end of the skewer.  After the skewers are gone, you can chop up the melon if you're in the mood for even more fruit!

Okay let's have one last look because it's adorable!  Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!! Can't wait to share the delicious things my uncle thinks up after the feast is over!

Some Pretty Bad Ass Blueberry Lemon Pancakes

So I didn't know what to have for dinner tonight, and decided I absolutely did not want to spend any money.  That can be tricky when you don't have food on hand, begging to be prepare.  So we'll settle for pancakes, because they're delicious and cheap.  And besides, what goes better with watching The Godfather than pancakes.  Things lemon-blueberry pancakes and The Godfather have in common: they're both bad ass, and they are both... comforting?

Sorry, by the way, if you're a proponent for not messing around with pancakes.  But we have miles to go before I stop messing around with plain pancakes.

what do we need...
2 cups pancake mix, prepared as directed on the box
Zest from one lemon
Juice from 1/2 the lemon
1 cup blueberries (more or less as desired)
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp vanilla extract 
1 tbs white sugar 
Butter for cooking


what should we do with these cheap things...
1  Prepare the pancake mix as directed on the box.  Zest the lemon into the mix and stir vigorously.  Add baking powder, vanilla, lemon juice, and sugar and mix.  Add blueberries last. 
2  Heat enough butter to coat the pan over medium high heat.  Ladle batter in small scoopfuls on to pan and cook, flipping once.  I assume you know how to prepare pancakes but you never know...

There Has Been A Murder... But It's Okay Because There Was Also Bacon

So apparently we're 42 years old.

My friends and I love the Office.  A few weeks ago we watched an episode from the sixth season called "Murder", in which Michael attempts to distract everyone in the Office from the horrible reality of Bankruptcy with a Murder Mystery game.  So the only natural course of action, of course, was that we host our very own murder mystery dinner and wine party.  Pasta, Passion & Pistols--the Italian themed murder mystery set in New York, where Pepi Roni [astoundingly clever] was found murdered in the basement of his restaurant.

The directions were simple: everyone brings one 10 - 15 dollar bottle of wine and one appetizer.  For those in attendance who were participating in the murder mystery game, costume and crazy accent required.  I expected this to be a good time but it turns out, that was quite the underestimation.  We had an absolutely great time and everyone really brought their A game as far as the cooking and wine goes.  The food was so amazing:

Chicken Parmesan Balls
Homemade Crab Rangoon
Stuffed Mushrooms
Quesadillas
Chipotle Mac and Cheese
Bruschetta
Crackers and Cheese
Melon and Prosciutto



So naturally I took this opportunity to make goat cheese stuffed bacon wrapped prunes... who wouldn't?  They were absolutely delightful and quite ridiculous to assemble.  They went well with the wine and the other foods that everyone brought!

what do we need...
1 container of pitted prunes
1 large log of goat cheese (I think it might be 10 - 12 ounces
1 package of bacon
Toothpicks


what we need to do...
1  If you are going to immediately cook these, preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Now this part is very technical so pay attention carefully.  You need to literally pump and finger the prunes until you open them and hallow out a large hole in the center.  This is absolutely not a joke and not an exaggeration.  You might want to do this in private, things could, will, and did get real weird when I did this with my friends in the room.
2  After you've opened all of the prunes, add a small amount of goat cheese to the center.  You can do this with a spoon and your fingers, making sure to push the cheese down inside and wash your hands in between every few prunes. 
3  Chop each slice of bacon into thirds and wrap one piece of bacon around each prune.  Secure with a toothpick and set aside on a deep sided baking sheet until ready to cook.  If you have decided you are going to cook these immediately and have preheated your oven, cook these at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes (or until the bacon appears to be crisp and cooked).

I assume you are able to figure this out for yourself but in case not... these are best when they are fresh but will be very hot inside for about 10 minutes so proceed with caution.  Delightful!

Mexican Paninis

Quesadillas are obviously the Mexican grilled cheese.  So then, if we slap some cheese and deli meat on a flour tortilla and melt it down, logically, we have a Mexican panini.  I don't have too much to say about this meal except that it's quick, delicious and cheap.  Also, I'm way too distracted with the wine and cheese party set up that is currently going on around me, as well as the intense hor dourves preparation that is simultaneously and loudly going on.

what do we need...
recipe prepared enough for two people
2 flour tortillas 
1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella
2 rings pineapple, chopped thinly
1/4 lb deli ham (brown sugar maple is clearly superior)


what we need to do...
1  Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
2  Lightly butter one side of the tortilla and place, butter side down, on a cookie sheet.  On half of the other side, add ham, pineapple and cheese.  Fold in half, press down firmly, and cook in oven.  
3  Cook for about 3 to 5 minutes, remove from oven and flip.  Return to oven and cook for another 5 minutes or until each side is slightly crispy and golden brown.  Slice with a pizza cutter and enjoy!

Someone Grab The Wok and Let's Get Asian

So it's time to play some catch up here.  I find it more than mildly impressive that we haven't consulted the soy sauce, grabbed the wok and got a little Asian yet.  Chinese food (the fake kind you order post 2 am on Saturdays) is quite possibly one of the most puzzling things on earth.  Let's reflect on their business plan:

Let's open a restaurant.  We'll make food to represent an entire culture but, let's cook absolutely nothing that anyone in that entire culture actually eats.  Then, let's cook it in kegs of fatty oil, make it available until 3 in the morning, and make it insanely addictive.  We need to make sure that indulging in this more than delicious and addictive category of food totally rapes your insides, leaving you filled with regret and feeling like shit directly following consumption.  And to top all that off, let's insert language barrier... [here].

Fantastic.
Well here's my business plan: let's make it at home, cook it in lean oil, prepare it fresh and avoid the stressful and awkward phone call during which you try to express which terribly fatty food you'd like to be brought to you in twenty minutes.  I think I'm on to something here...

So let's squint a little bit [because it's bright in here, don't be ridiculous] and get down to business.


Scallion Pancakes
what we need...
2 cups flour (plus more for dusting)
1 bundle scallions/ green onions
1 cup boiling water
Vegetable oil for  frying [plus more for spreading]
Salt


what we need to do...
[omg it's so complicated and I'm not looking forward to this]
1  In a large mixing bowl, slowly combine the flour with the boiling water until a sticky dough forms.  When  it's cool enough, combine with your hands, and kneed dough on a clean surface.  Return to mixing bowl, cover with a wet paper towel and refrigerate for 30 minutes.  
2  After thirty minutes have past, dice scallions.  Remove dough from the refrigerator and chop into four pieces.  Roll out each individual piece one at a time on a lightly floured surface.  Spread a small amount of vegetable oil over the dough, sprinkle with salt and add some of the scallions. 
3  Roll the dough into a cigar, curl around, and then re-roll out until flat again.  Okay I suck at explaining this so look at the pictures instead.

4  Repeat until all portions are ready for frying.  Heat about 2 cups of vegetable oil in a deep pan over medium high heat.  Once oil is hot, carefully place a pancake in and fry, turning at least once, until the pancake is dark golden brown.  Strain on paper towel, cut into fourths, and eat!!!

and for the fried rice:
what we need...
1 cup dry white rice
2 cloves garlic, dices
A handful of scallions
2 eggs
Dash of milk (for scrambling the eggs)
1 red pepper, chopped finely
1 yellow pepper, chopped finely
Broccoli 
1 cup [more or less to desired amount] teriyaki sauce (I used Yaki-Teriyaki Island Teriyaki Sauce)
Dash of soy sauce
Olive oil
Salt and Pepper to taste


what we need to do...
1  Prepare rice following directions on the back of the box.  Set aside.  Additionally, prepare the eggs as you would scrambled eggs and set aside.
2  In a wok, yup I said wok, or a big pan if you're lame, heat the oil, garlic and scallions over medium high heat.  Once garlic is sizzling, add the other vegetables and teriyaki sauce and cook, covered for about three minutes.  Add rice and eggs, a dash of soy sauce, salt and pepper and toss continuously until cooked to desired level of "fried-ness".

Yeah Chinese food!  
By the way, that dipping sauce is soy sauce, scallions, pepper, sugar, and ground ginger.  Play around and see if you can get a combination you like!

Back Off Kraft-- Mine's The Cheesiest

So I just made the absolute best Mac and Cheese in the entirety of the world.  And guess what, it didn't come from bright orange powder!  I've been messing around with Mac and Cheese a lot lately-- pumpkin and beer mac and cheese, buffalo mac... And surprisingly, I've been getting a lot of sass from some true mac and cheese lovers, who are quickly tiring of my desire to mess with an already perfect creation.  So I decided to get back to basics this week and make some good, old fashion comfort food... the boring way.

It looked like this and it tasted like heaven...

This might be the best Mac and Cheese that you've ever ever tried and so, get ready.  You may NEVER go back to that powdery boxed crap (unless it's 2:30am on a Saturday) and you may never be able to enjoy any other mac and cheese again.  I'm not exaggerating.  I never exaggerate. 

what we need...

1 lb Rotini 

2 cups 1% lowfat milk

3 tbs flour

2 cups fresh grated smoked Gruyere cheese

1 cup fresh grated cheddar cheese

1 cup unseasoned panko breadcrumbs

1 clove fresh garlic, chopped

3 tbs butter plus and additional 2 tbs

Salt and Pepper to taste

how do we achieve ultimate greatness?

1  Preheat oven to 375 degrees and cook pasta according to directions on package.  When cooked, set aside in strainer.  

2  In a large pot, melt 3 tbs of butter over medium high heat.  Once butter is bubbling, add 3 tbs of flour and whisk.  Add 2 cups of milk and continue whisking over medium high heat until mixture begins to thicken.  Once the mixture has become thick, remove from heat and stir in smoked Gruyere and cheddar cheeses.  Season with salt and pepper and add pasta to the pot, mixing until pasta and cheese sauce are completely combined.  Transfer into a 9 x 13 baking pan. 

3  In a medium skillet, heat additional 2 tbs of butter and garlic over medium high heat.  When butter is beginning to bubble, add panko bread crumbs and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly to prevent burning.  Once the bread crumbs have become golden brown,  sprinkle over pasta in baking pan.  Bake Mac and Cheese for 15 minutes (or less) until sides are bubbling.  Be sure to not over cook and burn panko crumbs.

4  Yeah I know... we just made the best Mac and Cheese in the world.  What else do I need to accomplish in my life?  Right, nothing.

Eggy Toast

So back to savoring Saturday morning... let's chat about french toast.  Who woke up early one morning and thought, you know what would be a great way to eat these breakfast foods?  As one thing.  Let's dip this bread in toast and fry it on a pan.  Eggy Toast.  Maybe I should start coating my chicken with rice and frying it.  Ricey Chicken.

But I gotta hand it to that nutcase who thought of french toast, it's delightful.  And how have we discussed that you make something that's already great that much better?  You add pumpkin to it!  (Okay yes, I'm a little obsessed with pumpkin.  But let's get real: pumpkin season has come and almost gone so I need to really focus on eating as much pumpkin as possible before it's too late...)  Props to that Dan fellow that I'm dating for thinking of the idea and creating a pumpkin caramel drizzle.  I think I'm in love...

what you need...

for the bread:

6 pieces of bread (we used a loaf of Italian bread from the bakery)

3 eggs

1 tbs milk 

1 tbs cinnamon sugar

butter for frying

for the drizzle:

1/2 cup pumpkin puree

1/3 cup light brown sugar

3 tbs caramel (optional)

3 tbs butter

what you need to to...

1  In a large skillet, heat butter over medium heat.  Combine eggs and milk in a small bowl and whisk until well blended.  Add cinnamon sugar and beat until well combined.  

2  Once the butter is hot, dip each slice of bread in egg mixture, being sure to coat both sides so that the bread is well saturated.  Place each slice in pan and cook each side until crispy and golden brown.

3  While toast is cooking, prepare pumpkin caramel drizzle.  Combine pumpkin and butter in a small pot and heat over medium high heat until butter is melted.  Add brown sugar and caramel, reduce heat to low and continue cooking, stirring often to prevent burning.  

4  Once toast is finished, put it on a place, slap on some drizzle and get to work savoring Saturday and having a delicious and subtly pumpkiny breakfast!