the sexiest thing you can do with an ugly, mushy, brown, pitted fruit thingy...

While we're on a Mexican kick here, let's have a little chat about Mexican cooking.  I mean, come on people.  Empanadas and Chimichangas, Burritos and Quesadillas... really, no one sees a problem here?  I can combine cheese, flour tortillas and mystery meat, give it seven different names, and shove it directly into your arteries too.  Thanks Mexico.  But grease and cholesterol aside, there are some things I specifically appreciate about Mexican Cuisine.  If you've never had Churros, I'm so sorry.  If you've never had a Margarita, why?  And if you've never had Guacamole, well, you're just plain wrong.

I remember the first time I tried Guacamole, because the first time I tried guacamole, I threw it up and wrote off Mexicans and their shitty cooking for the rest of forever.  It was the worst day of my life and in hindsight, it was the worst mistake of my life.  Guacamole is the food of the gods, the sexiest thing you can do with that ugly, brown, mushy, abnormally largely pitted fruit thing.  It is everything right with life and I shun my childhood self for disliking such a heavenly creation.


Now before you waste your time reading any farther, buying these ingredients, or making this Guacamole, I must provide you with a serious disclaimer:

IF YOU DO NOT LIKE ONIONS, GARLIC AND/OR LIME YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS GUACAMOLE.  THAT IS, THERE ARE A LOT OF RED ONIONS, A LOT OF GARLIC, AND A HEALTHY DOSAGE OF LIME IN THIS RECIPE.  SO IF YOU DISLIKE THESE INGREDIENTS, LEAVE NOW OR DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE THIS.

Also, Guacamole is a process.  It took me a few tries to even get the damn avocados open  without maiming myself.  Really though, last time I made Guacamole, I chopped my finger tip riiiiiight off (see picture right).  I bet that made you hungry...

But seriously, it's all a matter of tasting, adding and learning from your mistakes.  If you don't like something, don't add it.  I'd rather Cilantro and I never have an affair, so I abstain.  But, some people love this preposterously over-powering herb and to you I say: felicitaciones.  Some people like it saltier, gross, but okay, do it up.  Some people don't like tomatoes (specifically most people I hang out with for some weird reason).  Also wrong, but whatever, leave 'em out.  I've had Guacamole so chunky and filled with things I'm not even sure that there's avocado in there.  And then I've had Guacamole that was literally mashed up avocados with a dash of salt.  But here's mine, the some-where in between perfection of what guacamole should be. (wow I sincerely apologize for how confident I am apparently feeling about this guacamole right now)

what you need...
3 Avocados, peeled and pitted
3 Cloves of Garlic, chopped
1/2 of a Red Onion, chopped
10 - 15 Cherry Tomatoes, chopped (optional)
Juice from 1 lime (don't you dare use that fake stuff, limes cost 25 cents)
Dash of Black Pepper
Salt to taste (about 2 tsp)

1  Do all that chopping listed above, because I know you didn't show up here with all those vegetables pre-chopped and if so, touche, and a little weird.  I also kinda wanna know where you buy your pre-chopped vegetables.  Here's a picture of everything peeled, pitted and chopped up for you to look at while you slave away, wishing you were at this stage:

2  Put it all in a bowl (as picture above), and using a masher, mash it all up.  Taste it, fix it, and enjoy it.  And yeah, seriously, it's that easy!

note  Although this is largely irrelevant seeing as there won't be left overs, opened avocados will turn brown in the air/ refrigerator due to some scientific nonsense that makes them react much like bananas.  To preserve guacamole in the refrigerator, squirt lime juice over the top before storing and toss in the pit of one of the avocados.  Still, don't expect a massive shelf life.

For those of you who don't like Mexican food, Guacamole, or just Mexico in general: we'll move on tomorrow...  I promise.